Rigor Samsa

You are still my favorite Good Morning.

Lo que no me mata, me alimenta. - Frida Kahlo

Last June 17-20, I went on an AIHO immersion to Tingloy, Batangas. Tingloy is a 5th class municipality in Batangas province around 4km (45 min boat ride) away from the mainland Batangas. Batangas province h as 24/7 electricity from 3 major power plants and 4 major distributors. And then there's Tingloy where electricity is only available for 12 hrs, from 12nn to 12 midnight everyday. Batangas province has 18 established economic zones, 2 SM cities, and 16 other smaller commercial centers. And then there's Tingloy where there is not even a single formal market. Batangas province has 554km of national road and 514km of local road, paved and maintained well especially near election season. And then there's Tingloy where roads only fit tricycles or motorcycles. Some barangays are still not accessible to any form of road at all and so walking is still the major form of transportation there. Batangas province has 16 government hospitals and 60 private ones, of which at least 3 ...

During last night's duty, we had a code for a 5-year old kid who was long-time patient in the wards. It was the 6th cycle of resuscitation and it was my time to do CPR. 1 min and 30 sec into it, the mom shouted "Doc, tigil na po. Tama na po." Gago, pare, last touch ako. I didn't want to stop. That was just a kid, supposed to be at home playing or in school studying. He wasn"t supposed to be lying there in the hospital bed intubated, with all those lines and cycles of Epi, and  yet still unresponsive. I didn't want to stop. I almost said, "Wait lang po mommy!" What if, I pumped harder? What if after this cycle, we get something? What if, kaya pa? I didn't want to stop. I felt for his cold clammy skin ad I pumped onto his bruised and depressed chest. I looked into his eyes and saw the dilated pupils. Maybe a few more cycles could do it. Baka meron pa talaga. I didn't want to stop but I know I had to. It was never my call in...

But lately it has been so difficult to get out of bed. But lately the silence has been too deafening.

The reality that this day would come first struck me when I was first informed that my dad was sick, which was back in 4th year HS, in 2009-2010. Ever since that day I have been preparing for this moment:  every single day I have been telling myself that this is about to happen, that I should prepare, that I should be strong yada yada yada. Heck I was even making a eulogy in my mind already, constantly editing it day by day, more quotes here, witty lines there, adding substracting events as operations, meds, life events go by. So for 8-9 years I have been preparing myself for this and yet I stand here before you today, back at square 1, with not even a semi-decently prepared eulogy at hand. Oh believe me I tried: that 9-year old eulogy and my efforts since the 28th, I have been writing, or trying to write, rereading my theo and philo notes. But somehow, words escape me. Words burn. Words sting. Somehow they are never enough. And well the truth is they will never be enough. A loss i...