Rigor Samsa

Masakit pero salamat sa pagkamulat. Mahapdi pero salamat sa pagkabasag. Sa bandang huli, Isang panibagong hamon para sa aming lahat. Salamat.

Yes, I know, t's been ages since I last blogged! For the past months I've listed so many topics I wanted to reflect on and write about but I stopped me . And I'm sorry about that, but here I am, writing again! The things is, more than sharing my experiences and lessons learned with you, this blogging thing has also helped me make sense of all the things that happened and did not happen. Because you know, as a type 1, I live on having made sense of something so messy and chaotic. Tough enneagram type, eh. I've been on a reflection rut (also a running rut which hopefully I get to write about later) since my last blog probably because I just never found the courage to do so. I have just realized how it takes so much courage and at the same time so much humility to reflect. When a bad thing happens to me, I never want to relive that moment EVER. I don't want to be reminded of my mistakes and more so how stupid I   have been. I just want to keep it in a tightly...

But with every inch it moves, it is reminded of its brokenness. It needs something something that it thought it would never need that it thought did not exist but it does, it really does. It thirsts for it. It yearns for it. It clamors for it. But that one thing has become so elusive. It went away to a place farther than the dark lair deeper than the abyss. Can’t be reached-- Well maybe It doesn’t want to be reached.

Sometimes the universe makes me believe that we are our most beautiful selves when we are at our saddest. To be vulnerable, to admit that vulnerability  to show the truest part of ourselves to show the deepest part of ourselves the part so hurt and broken and yet innocent so pure. This purity, having been hidden for the longest time is now here right on front of us, speaking to us so clear, so real so immaculate so sacred.

Can you tell me How come we have become so obsessed  with the idea that we are  inadequate ? And so we need to be filled we need to be completed. We hunger for parts that we believe will complete us. “I need you, you complete me.” And yet at the same time  ironically, absurdly, defending to the ends of our wits  that we do not need such things that we are fine by ourselves Deny, deny, deny. “I don’t need you.” "I don't need anyone." Can you tell me?

Sa panahon ng lubos na hindi-kasiguraduhan, manatili sana tayo sa pagtataya at pagmamahal. Anumang mangyari, sa huli, ang paanyaya pa rin ay ang na patuloy tayong magmahal. ---------- Mangyari Lamang by Rico Abelardo Mangyari lamang ay tumayo ang mga nagmahal nang makita ng lahat ang mukha ng pag- ibig. Ipamalas ang tamis ng malalim na pagkakaunawaan sa mga malabo ang paningin. Mangyari lamang ay tumayo rin ang mga nagmahal at nasawi nang makita ng lahat ang mga sugat ng isang bayani. Ipadama ang pait ng kabiguan habang ipinagbubunyi ang walang katulad na kagitingan ng isang nagtaya. Mangyari lamang ay tumayo ang mga nangangambang magmahal nang makita ng lahat ang kilos ng isang bata. Ipamalas ang katapatan ng damdamin na pilit ikinukubli ng pusong lumaki sa mga engkanto at diwata. Mangyari lamang ay tumayo ang mga nagmahal, minahal at iniwan ngunit handa pa ring magmahal nang makita ng lahat ang yaman ng karanasan. Ipamalas ang katotohanang nasaksihan nang maging makahuluga...

I think it’s about allowing the no’s to ripen into yes’s – maybe’s into yes’s; and not in the least hesitate, because the truth is we’re never really ready anyway. I think it’s about still choosing to move forward, even if the next steps are still quite blurry, even if you are still unsure even it’s scary, even if it’s unfamiliar; Just say yes again, just try again - but keep the memory of the journey with you. Because perhaps, at the end of it all, the lesson is just to not forget - to always always not forget.

The next time your eyes would meet mine The next time I would hear your sighs The next time our skin would touch I hope for nothing But dead stars. Let there be dead stars For the fires to turn to embers. And slowly, please, for the embers to turn to ashes. And then, finally, hopefully, please, I beg of you, for the ashes to turn into nothing. This one's inspired by Paz Marquez Benitez's Dead Stars. I wrote this a year already but idk, just wanted to share to everyone! :)

Recently I came across this wonderful Youtube channel called The School of Life. During downtime, or just when I need to rest from finishing academic requirements from medical school, I go to this channel and just watch their videos. Their videos are very informative and well-made with a a very wide range of topics. My favorite thus far are those from the Philosophy collection in which they show not only Western ones we've been hearing about our entire lives but also the Eastern ones. They have this video on Wabi-sabi, a concept from Daoism, which means imperfection. And being fine with this because the truth is, there is beauty in brokenness and imperfection. One must not be frustrated with being imperfect. One should accept this as a normal part of life and use it: use the natural flow of imperfection to live meaningful lives. I think having this mindset is completely appropriate to our lives now, with the constant battle with expectations of efficiency and productivity. It w...

I remember I wrote a reflection paper back in college for our English 12 class. It was about our hobbies, our personalities, and the different things we were interested in. I was so nervous as I was writing this paper because it was one of my first written requirements in college. And so I wrote there all the things that I do and the different ‘versions’ of me. I started with me being a public health enthusiast, and this was my reason why decided to stay in Health Sciences. I also wrote how I am a lover of music and the Arts, which is manifested by me playing the violin and drawing, reading and writing poetry, painting, and doing different crafts in my spare time. In addition, I love staying healthy and I am a fan of sports. I wrote how I have been a swimmer since I was five years old, and how I have tried different kinds of sports. In terms of my relations with the people around me, I described how I am different when I am with my parents compared to when I am with my friends. Both o...

Extensions 1,2, 3, I confess that I have this obsession to clinging onto something, even long after it’s supposed to be over Because of the ever-recurring what ifs Persistent, lingering maybes 4, 5, Just a little bit longer 6, 7, Just for a little while. 8, His voice haunts me, as I try to sense a little bit of chance Maybe, just maybe, even just a weak gesture How long have you been waiting? Just a few more incidences, just a little while longer in this silence. For how much longer will I still wait? 9, Savoring every second left in the long overdue deadline I have set. Vainly. Prolonged. Deliberately, tirelessly, pathetically extended for years. 10, Until when will I endure? 5, Can you feel that? Can you hear that? Listen to the aspirations in this sphere of silence I have long been in. The silence I am still in. I chose to be in. But, hear hear, slowly, the thuds are becoming-- becoming faint beats. The screams to wh...