Yes, I know, t's been ages since I last blogged!
For the past months I've listed so many topics I wanted to reflect on and write about but I stopped me.
And I'm sorry about that, but here I am, writing again! The things is, more than sharing my experiences and lessons learned with you, this blogging thing has also helped me make sense of all the things that happened and did not happen. Because you know, as a type 1, I live on having made sense of something so messy and chaotic. Tough enneagram type, eh.
I've been on a reflection rut (also a running rut which hopefully I get to write about later) since my last blog probably because I just never found the courage to do so. I have just realized how it takes so much courage and at the same time so much humility to reflect.
When a bad thing happens to me, I never want to relive that moment EVER. I don't want to be reminded of my mistakes and more so how stupid I have been. I just want to keep it in a tightly sealed envelope, stored and locked in the smallest drawer at the corner of the farthest and darkest room in my memory hall. But, as a human person who tries her best to be better once in a while and sometimes even tries to be a mature and responsible adult, this is just plain pathetic.
And so I gather all the strength I can to go to that room, open the drawer, tear up the envelope, and relive the experience again and again so I could re-experience the pain again and again.
Yes it is quite painful. Around 7 or 8 on the pain scale. Who wouldn't be in pain when you get to be reminded of your past mistakes and how stupid you were? Nakakahiya, right? You know, I used to hate that word because it is the cause of the many unnecessary wrong things in this world.
But you see, hiya is not meekness. Hiya is the lovechild of ego and fear. (Yikes, whoever set those two up?) There is the ego that stops you from accepting your stupidity (or to put it nicer and more appropriately I guess) that you have done something stupid. And there is fear, fear of the pain that this will cause you, fear of realizing your mistakes, fear of your own stupidity.
But because I want to be a more mature and self-aware adult, I will face these fears so I could create space. You know how after cleaning up your Pandora's box of a bedroom, you get surprised with how much space there actually is there? How you could put a lot of other nice things there, or sometimes you could even rearrange the furniture so your room looks like a decent bedroom? That exactly is how this works. When you get to face your mistakes and study it piece by piece, you get to fix whatever is broken, and get to stack up all the newly-fixed pieces again. Finally, you get to find new space for new decisions and new experiences. It's you cleaning up your hard drive, renaming your files, putting them in their respective folders, so you could have more space for the latest episodes of your favorite show. And this, my friends, is what we call growth. Yes, having organized files in your storage device is growth.
I like how people use the word painstakingly when they talk about art. It means that in order to make art, it took so much pain, so much effort, so much diligence. And, yes, to move forward is an art. Consequently, to grow is an art as well.
So there, I already said so much! Now I'm on to take a break before I write my other posts. Yes bye reflection rut!
For the past months I've listed so many topics I wanted to reflect on and write about but I stopped me.
And I'm sorry about that, but here I am, writing again! The things is, more than sharing my experiences and lessons learned with you, this blogging thing has also helped me make sense of all the things that happened and did not happen. Because you know, as a type 1, I live on having made sense of something so messy and chaotic. Tough enneagram type, eh.
I've been on a reflection rut (also a running rut which hopefully I get to write about later) since my last blog probably because I just never found the courage to do so. I have just realized how it takes so much courage and at the same time so much humility to reflect.
When a bad thing happens to me, I never want to relive that moment EVER. I don't want to be reminded of my mistakes and more so how stupid I have been. I just want to keep it in a tightly sealed envelope, stored and locked in the smallest drawer at the corner of the farthest and darkest room in my memory hall. But, as a human person who tries her best to be better once in a while and sometimes even tries to be a mature and responsible adult, this is just plain pathetic.
And so I gather all the strength I can to go to that room, open the drawer, tear up the envelope, and relive the experience again and again so I could re-experience the pain again and again.
Yes it is quite painful. Around 7 or 8 on the pain scale. Who wouldn't be in pain when you get to be reminded of your past mistakes and how stupid you were? Nakakahiya, right? You know, I used to hate that word because it is the cause of the many unnecessary wrong things in this world.
But you see, hiya is not meekness. Hiya is the lovechild of ego and fear. (Yikes, whoever set those two up?) There is the ego that stops you from accepting your stupidity (or to put it nicer and more appropriately I guess) that you have done something stupid. And there is fear, fear of the pain that this will cause you, fear of realizing your mistakes, fear of your own stupidity.
But because I want to be a more mature and self-aware adult, I will face these fears so I could create space. You know how after cleaning up your Pandora's box of a bedroom, you get surprised with how much space there actually is there? How you could put a lot of other nice things there, or sometimes you could even rearrange the furniture so your room looks like a decent bedroom? That exactly is how this works. When you get to face your mistakes and study it piece by piece, you get to fix whatever is broken, and get to stack up all the newly-fixed pieces again. Finally, you get to find new space for new decisions and new experiences. It's you cleaning up your hard drive, renaming your files, putting them in their respective folders, so you could have more space for the latest episodes of your favorite show. And this, my friends, is what we call growth. Yes, having organized files in your storage device is growth.
I like how people use the word painstakingly when they talk about art. It means that in order to make art, it took so much pain, so much effort, so much diligence. And, yes, to move forward is an art. Consequently, to grow is an art as well.
So there, I already said so much! Now I'm on to take a break before I write my other posts. Yes bye reflection rut!
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