I was a Bel-cheesecake who underwent a hundred days of constant breaking down by a bazillion of enzymes, went through a gazillion of glycolysis, decarboxylations, and hydroxylations. Brought down to the very last pyruvate and underwent 500 million more Krebb’s cycles to be the Acetyl CoA that I am now. Post-boards Bel. Post-boards Acetyl-CoA. I know that the results are not out yet but going through all that, I just really feel like a goddamn Acetyl CoA now.
The Boards journey was cathartic on so many levels and I would like to share it with you because I am a millenial who likes over-sharing things. Also, I’ll write this sort of Boards narrative using the outline of our reviewers so it would be more painful to read relatable. Watch out for the must knows, caveat and rules, and maybe a review question out there. You’ve been warned.
Must Know no. 1: No matter how well you plan things, the universe will not always agree with you. Unexpected things will and will not happen. And that’s okay.
I got into the Boards season with a fixed schedule in mind, after all, I was a hardcore Type 1 Type A. I already planned how my everyday would go: from waking up to doing the samplexes, the daily workouts, the classes, and to still sticking to the 10pm-3am sleep schedule like what I did back in pre-clinical years. I was even scheduled to join an Ironman race on the same day of our graduation which was 30 days left before the boards. Essentially, I planned to keep things as they are: workouts and relationships, included.
As the days passed, however, it became harder and harder to stick to the Bel schedule. Sometimes you’re just too tired and your heart feels heavy and you know only ice cream can help you. Sometimes even 7am feels so early and you slack off and skip today. Some days, you know only watching Fresh Prince of Bel Air will help you with your newfound existential crisis after realizing it’s less than a month left until the boards.
Priorities change and to no surprise, the people around you change as well. And that’s okay. As much as you want it to be and how much you carefully planned things, life and people have other plans that do not match with yours. Ano ba laban mo sa wills of the universe, mamser?
For the type 1 type A person that I am, this was difficult to accept. Many hours were spent ruminating on how I could have planned things better, how I could have modified my expectations of what will happen and will not happen, how I could have been and/or done better.
But one day, after realizing that I’ve spent 4 hours on 10 pages of my Physiology main handout I realized:
THE RULE: It is not in the Philippine Constitution, nor in Schwartz, nor in any other reference material that things will not change. You need to accept that and go on with your life.
And so I did. I found the courage to accept my limitations as a cool human person that I am person and give space for changes and the many unexpected shenanigans of this life. As what Morty Smith told his sister, Summer, in S2E7 Big Trouble in Little Sanchez,
"Get your shit together. And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know, take it to the shit store and sell it. Our put in the shit museum, I don't care what you do, you just gotta get it together."
Like the Board exams, life is not perfect and you have to accept that. Too bad for us, we have no control of either so we have to go through both of them the best way we ought to know how.
Must Know no. 2: The boards will bring out the best and the worst in people.
The Boards was all part of Sauron’s plans. I kid you not. It was as if he magically installed an internal Mordor in the hearts of every boardtaker out there. And much like wearing the ring, it was truly a test of character. Many have fallen. Many surrendered. Many felt hurt and cheated even before the exams started. Many just, well, submitted to the loneliness of it all. And so many retreated to their heavy-walled fortresses, their own rigor samsas. Many have isolated themselves from families and friends and resorted to [old?] unimaginably hurtful ways of coping. Many were mistreated. Many were disrespected. Many were hurt.
And yet, there are those that chose to rise above. There are those who became answered prayers to others. There are those were just so selfless and generous that I bet Queen Oprah would be proud of them. These were the people who were willing to spare a few minutes of their precious time to help you understand the Countercurrent mechanism better. People who would go through the Pharma quizlets again and tell you to not succumb to the pressure. People who would help you stick to your workouts and diet so you won’t have to buy new pants for the Boards.
There are people who would tell you to keep going and cheer you on and tell you to fight the good fight, even if they, themselves, are sometimes filled with their own anxieties and heartaches. Wala namang hindi takot. Wala namang hindi nagdududa.
But these Frodos and Samwises chose to rise above despite and through all the fears and doubts.
They were my stars. They were my sunshine. They were my light.
Q1: And given the Boards-induced false dichotomy presented to you just now, who will you be?
I. The hurtful person
II. The bigger person
III. Bilbo Baggins
A. I B. II
C. I and III D. II and III
Must Know no. 3: Not everyone’s willing to go through the Boards journey with you and that's okay. Meron pa ring naniniwala, nagtitiwala, at nagmamahal sa iyo.
To me, the boards was a secular pilgrimage. Like what the very well misattributed quote would say, it was definitely not just about the destination. It was about the journey. It was a process: a truly long and arduous one that you go through with people who are willing to do so. Because they trust in you. Because they believe in you. Because they love you.
The Ateneans have been blessed with Pugad who has helped us since we were probably 16 days AOG. And of course the system is nothing without its people: the angels [eaglets? eagle angels? eangels??] of Pugad who have always been so undeniably warm and lovingly helpful. My family and friends also served as my my saving light in this darkness of a cave called the Boards. These are the loving people who never left me and always checked up on me. Those who would tirelessly send good mornings or high-yield QOTDs, even if at times I don’t really feel like replying. As if I ever do ha ha ha.
But that brings me to this important caveat:
Caveat: They are there, willing to help, but it takes a whole lot of humility and courage to accept the truth that you need help. More so, to receive it.
You would only get to appreciate all the help, support, and love around you if you admit to yourself that you actually need them. The thing is though, it takes an awful lot of courage to accept this vulnerability. Some are too embarrassed. Some even feel shame. But as in the words of one of my queens, Brene Brown,
“To believe in something with your whole heart, to celebrate a fleeting moment in time, to fully engage in a life that doesn’t come with guarantees - these are risks that involve vulnerability and often pain. But, I am learning that recognizing and leaning into the discomfort of vulnerability teaches us how to live with joy, gratitude, and grace.”
It is the most uncomfortable of all feelings: to admit that you are weak and that you are troubled. I know. But, it is in accepting our weaknesses that we allow space for growth. Inaamin ko na kulang ako. Ngunit sabay ng kakulangan na ito ay ang pagkakaroon ng puwang para lumago. Kasabay nito ang pag-asa na magiging buo ako kung handa akong tumanggap ng tulong at pagmamahal. [My main reference now is my main man, Gabriel H. Marcel]
And that’s what the Boards really was for me. Nang dahil sa boards, natuto akong tumanggap ng pagmamahal. So many times in the past years that I have shunned help and love. I turned down so much of these because I fell into a certain form of despair. I then carried with me a baggage of arrogance, of blindedness, of an I-myself [Yo Marcel!] I have fallen into this resignation to loneliness and hurt because oddly, it felt good. Because it was familiar. Because it was comfortable.
But because of boards, I learned to hope [again.] And, I hope in you.
To hope is to recognize my own poverty and so I did. And I still do. Whatever the results, I still would. No one said we don’t deserve all the help and love that we're receving right now. No one’s asking and no one’s really doubting. The thing is, as Queen Brene Brown would say,
“You are imperfect, you are wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.”
If you haven't yet, I hope all of you realize that real soon. I will say this now: we all deserve the good things. We all deserve help. We all deserve to be loved. Y'all claim it.
An anonymous source said the results would come out anytime. I’m not ready haha! But time will not stop. Life will not stop. Whatever the results [but universe pls jusqpo jesusmariajosep santisimatrinidad give us that ever-so-coveted 100%] I will accept them no matter how heartbreaking. The realest of the real truths is, I really hope that I won’t go through this one heck of a journey again because I want to move on and live my life already. But in the event that I do, I promise, I’ll be a 10000x better boardtaker.
Forever in gratitude and in comfortable pajamas,
Belibutt
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